Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Wilf ready to discipline players

From the Strib:
ST. CLOUD, Minn. -- Vikings owner Zygi Wilf said today that he feels empowered to impose whatever discipline is called for as a result of the alleged sex cruise involving team players.

Speaking at a gathering of the St. Cloud Rotary Club and Chamber of Commerce, Wilf said he will wait until the investigation concludes before imposing any penalties in connection with the party aboard two boats on Lake Minnetonka.
It's also reported that Ziggy has consulted Viking's coach Mike Tice for appropriate disciplinary measures. While the time and place of the meeting is in question, many believe it took place during the 48 minutes the Vikings defense was on the field during Sunday's game.

Among the possible sanctions:

In an effort to maximize the financial benefit of Minnesota harboring a known NFL team, players will no longer be able to import hookers.

All decisions will have to be run through a surrogate brain that understands public group sex will get you in trouble. The Vikings organization is currently taking applications from horny 16 year-olds who's parents are never home.

Players will no longer be called players, because they have a tendency to think they're "players". From here forward, they'll be appropriately called employees and referred to by their number. Judging by Daunte Culpepper, their jerseys also advertise their IQ.

Players will use the buddy system: One player and their mother.

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