Monday, October 03, 2005

The sensation of being conservative.

While Hugh Hewitt urges us to be a Bobby McFerin song, I respectully disagree with he and his equally incomparable guest, Dr. James Dobson on President Bush's nomination of Harriet Miers for the Supreme Court.

"Wait and see" is what you do when you aren't the party in power. "Wait and see" got us the ability to speak about Priscilla Owen and Miguel Estrada only in past tense. While I appreciate Mr. Hewitt and Dr. Dobson's measured approach to the new nominee, here's the senstation of being a conservative today:
When you get home from work, mow your neighbor's lawn. Afterall, he said he needed the help and you're able-bodied. While you find it a little strange that he casually watches you toil while he drinks a cold lemonade in the shade of a lawn chair in his garage, temporarily suppress your anger by recalling the 'thank you' card he graciously sent the last time you mowed for him.

When you're thoroughly satuarated in your own saline fluid and he asks if you wouldn't mind trimming the shrubs and edging around the landscaping that you strained your back out 5 years ago helping him arrange, do it. You can give him a sideways look, but trim and edge anyway because he'll promise that someday, he'll buy you a case of beer.

Now that you've again helped your neighbor manicure the neighborhood's most envied lawn, stow your mower and trimmer next to the extra junk he stores in your garage. Sure that your Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes award awaits, stroll to your mailbox to find a hand-written letter from your neighbor, garnished with an army of bills. To your surprise your neighbor is taking donations to install a supercharger on his BMW. "What!" you wonder, "the pantywaist doesn't even use all the power the car has now! What in the world is he going to do with a supercharger?!"

As all your blood begins to pool in the finite space above your chin, recall how he's been dodging your calls, letters and e-mails questioning the seriousness of his past commitments to reimburse you. At this point, it's OK to wonder why you've helped this neighbor for so long when he's promised so many tits for all your tats, especially when you defend his antics to the neighbors who are less fond of him.

Now, ask your neighbor to lay down his beer, get out of his chair and grab the hockey stick he borrowed from you last winter. While you stand at the curb with your blistered hands around your swollen ankles, ask him to get a running start from the top of his driveway and yell "Trust me!" while he beats you repeatedly about the backside.

After regaining consciousness, crawl back to your house, dodging the landmines his dog frequently deposits on your lawn and soothe yourself in the hottub he didn't clean the beer cans out of the last time he snuck into your backyard.

Now, double that and now you know the sensation of being conservative today.


Froggy heard the same interview and isn't impressed with her baked goods or caffeinated credentials.

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