Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The following post is brought to you by the coalition forces.

It's a bad day to be a terrorist in Iraq:
BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) - Iraq's landmark constitution was adopted by a majority of voters during the country's Oct. 15 referendum, as Sunni Arab opponents failed to muster enough support to defeat it, election officials said Tuesday.

Results released by the Independent Electoral Commission of Iraq showed that Sunni Arabs, who had sharply opposed the draft document, failed to produce the two-thirds "no" vote they would have needed in at least three of Iraq's 18 provinces to defeat it.

Nationwide, 78.59 percent voted for the charter while 21.41 percent voted against, the commission said. The charter required a simple majority nationwide with the provision that if two-thirds of the voters in any three provinces rejected it, the constitution would be defeated.

"Whatever the results of the referendum are ... it is a civilized step that aims to put Iraq on the path of true democracy," Farid Ayar, an official with the electoral commission, said before reading the final results.
While the passing of the constitution won't stop some of the violence, I must say, a "quagmire" never looked so good.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Final plan for Vikings stadium

Anoka County fields the only serious bid to build a new Vikings stadium. It looked for a while that the Vikings were going to get a brand-spanking new stadium where they could start a brand new legacy of losing.

Governor Pawlenty had hopes of arranging a special legislative session for politicians to vote on the taxpayer-subsidized playground for billionaire owners and millionaire boners. These sessions are considered "special" because they have a tendency of raising taxes on constituents without a vote from the constituents. Special, the short-bus kind.

However, after the Vikings were observed in public wearing girls as belts and littering boats with rubberized contraptions that would make Ron Jeremy blush, the chances of the Vikings getting a stadium are about as good as Daunte Culpepper being named head of Minnesota's chapter of MENSA.

Unlike the Vikings roster, the list of potential designs for a Vikings stadium is long and distinguished, while one in particular has proven itself as least-worst.

Secret Muslim prayer rooms at EuroDisney

Via LGF and the Middle East Times:
PARIS -- The influence of radical Islamist groups is a growing threat to French business, a leading intelligence expert warned on Tuesday, citing the discovery of secret prayer-rooms at the Disneyland theme-park outside Paris.

In a report commissioned by several retail and courier companies, Eric Denece - director of the French Center for Research and Intelligence - said that the Islamists' strategy is to "take control of Muslims within the workforce" and then "challenge the rules in order to impose Islamic values.

"There are numerous instances, even if few businesses are willing to speak openly about them," Denece said in the report, which was based on interviews with police, intelligence officials and company staff.

"For example, around 10 prayer-rooms have been discovered at EuroDisney," he said.

The claim was originally made in a report by the police intelligence service RG in mid-2004.

Spokesman Pieter Boterman said: "We are a multicultural and non-discriminatory company with more than 100 nationalities and all the main religions represented. But we do not think the company is the place for people to express private religious convictions."

Denece also quoted the head of a freight company employing 3,000 people at Roissy-Charles de Gaulle airport outside Paris who complained to the RG of "the presence of a small group of Muslims bent on imposing their work methods under the threat of repeated strikes".

"The growth in power of radical Islamism is a new menace, which can threaten the integrity of a business," Denece said.
Expect a follow-up post in a week when a "moderate" Muslim call for Eric Denece's execution for defaming a peaceful religion.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The least important mugshot you'll see this decade.

By Thanksgiving, everyone will have forgotten about what Tom DeLay didn't do. What they will remember, is the turkey.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Wilf ready to discipline players

From the Strib:
ST. CLOUD, Minn. -- Vikings owner Zygi Wilf said today that he feels empowered to impose whatever discipline is called for as a result of the alleged sex cruise involving team players.

Speaking at a gathering of the St. Cloud Rotary Club and Chamber of Commerce, Wilf said he will wait until the investigation concludes before imposing any penalties in connection with the party aboard two boats on Lake Minnetonka.
It's also reported that Ziggy has consulted Viking's coach Mike Tice for appropriate disciplinary measures. While the time and place of the meeting is in question, many believe it took place during the 48 minutes the Vikings defense was on the field during Sunday's game.

Among the possible sanctions:

In an effort to maximize the financial benefit of Minnesota harboring a known NFL team, players will no longer be able to import hookers.

All decisions will have to be run through a surrogate brain that understands public group sex will get you in trouble. The Vikings organization is currently taking applications from horny 16 year-olds who's parents are never home.

Players will no longer be called players, because they have a tendency to think they're "players". From here forward, they'll be appropriately called employees and referred to by their number. Judging by Daunte Culpepper, their jerseys also advertise their IQ.

Players will use the buddy system: One player and their mother.

Exploding Halaal?

In celebration of Ramadan, some Muslim market owners in Baltimore were apparently trucking in exploding Halaal, probably from their warehouse in Jersey:
(WJZ) Eyewitness News has learned that there may be a link between a Middle Eastern market in Southeast Baltimore and the alleged threat to Baltimore's tunnels.

Sources say two men affiliated with the Koko market on Eastern and Dundalk avenues are in FBI custody and authorities are looking for a third person.

State and federal authorities have been investigating Koko's since last Thursday when word of a possible threat began to surface.

The terrorist plot reportedly involved a delivery truck from the Koko market being driven into one of Baltimore's tunnels under the Inner Harbor loaded with explosives and left there to detonate.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Conditioning 101

What's the best way to condition a person to not to take the high road? You lay a hot steamy pile on them after they give you a sincere apology for an offense. That's happening in my comments right now.

Imagine this: You're at a party and you pass by a room where you find an acquaintance with their hand in someone's unattended purse. Because you've just happened past in that moment in time and your eyes don't deceive, you accuse them of stealing. But, what you didn't see is that the "offender" saw the woman's wallet fall out when she set her purse down. Because of the food in his mouth, he couldn't get her attention, so to ensure the wallet's safety, he picked it up and placed it in her purse. You only saw his hand in the purse.

Before the "offender" can explain himself to you, you've already told everyone else at the party that he's guilty. Even a few your friends at the party question your integrity, because having your hand in someone's purse sure sounds pretty awful. Then the rest of the party-goers pile on the personal attacks because they trust you and your eyes as much as you do. The "offender" then sits you down to explain the situation and to your surprise, the explanation is extremely plausible. Not only that, but the purses's owner confirms that her purse has a tendency to spit out her over-sized wallet. She even thanks the "offender" for doing what she's had to do many times herself.

That's my story of the past few days, only my "offense" was being a little slow in completing a post.

Frequent readers know of some of the humor I occasionally write about my girlfriend. For my birthday, she bought me an Accelerated Free Fall. Best gift ever. I wrote about the gift being for me if the chute opened and the gift being for her if it didn't, mainly because of the hot/cold nature of our relationship.

This is where I made a dumb decision. I wrote a serious-sounding post a few days later that was essentially a farewell note, giving the appearance it was posted by a friend. (I've taken down the post for it's magnetism for different variations of four-letter words) At the end of the "note," I linked back to the above-linked post where I questioned my girlfriend's intentions, thinking it would be the tip-off of the joke.

I meant to leave the "note" up for a day while I arranged a new post that included pictures and video of my skydiving experience. In the meantime, I replied to e-mails from regulars who were on to me, so I thought it was going as planned. However, getting video and hard copy pictures scanned and attached to the post about the skydive was harder than I thought. Because the "note" looked awfully serious and there were some concerned people, it all became a very big deal.

Someone who knows about the relative safety of skydiving smelled something was up, and not knowing the rest of the story told in previous posts, made a bunch of calls and found out that I wasn't dead, that my hand was in the proverbial purse. He was rightfully pissed because the nature of the note and what looked like horribly tactless attempt at getting attention. A very pointed post followed and I still sweat each time I read it. Ouch. Party-goers then wanted to throw me in the pool, with a refrigerator attached to my back.

The person who "caught" me made a incredibly valid point that I hadn't considered, which I hope was the main thrust of his anger, one they he's probably had direct knowledge of - notes like the one I wrote as a joke have been written by soldiers since the beginning of time. Because of my material and virtual (blog) support that is apparent on this site, an explanation was necessary and a sincere apology for the appearance of impropriety against a segment of Americans unmatched in selflessness or seriousness.

Before I had the chance to explain and apologize, the whole party "knew" and they weren't bashful letting me know what they thought of me. After all, their source has every reason to be trusted. But they didn't have the whole story. While this is a great lesson in blogging, it's also lesson in knowing the whole story before telling all the people at the party who the 'thief' is.

Thank you to everyone who's stuck around or who'll continue coming back in the future. I promise that I will never again give the impression that I'm dead, even though many of you wish it really would happen.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Not bright.

As the 6 of you who've returned may have noticed, I took down "the" post.

I thought this post and this post, regarding my girlfriend, would have made it clear that "the" post was a joke, long enough for me to put pictures and video of my awesome skydiving experience to confirm that I'm A-ok. Considering the e-mails I was replying to, many got the joke.

Some didn't - and rightfully so.

Frequent readers know of my immovable support for the troops. That is not debatable.

Someone that I respect very much pointed something out that I hadn't considered: the reality of men and women in the military who have to write serious letters like that. I'm disappointed in myself that it didn't even cross my mind. I'm sorry.

While I was hoping that the infrequent blogging association I had with this person and their life experience would have made "the" post's misguided attempt at humor more clear, but it actually made them feel responsible, only because I took some liberty on how well we knew each other. I unintentionally took advantage of this person's concern. I was wrong for assuming it would be taken as anything but seriously and it's not his fault for doing so.

I took the post down because I'm embarrassed by it and the deserved comments.

I'd appreciate your forgiveness.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Just in case.

Because I gratuitously advertised it, many of you know that I had a birthday last week.

What many of you don't know, is one of my birthday gifts.

At about 2pm on Sunday, I'll be hurling myself out of an airplane from 13,000 feet. This isn't one of those jumps where I have some guy with a mullet named Rod who drives a ratty Camaro with a "my other car is a parachute" bumper sticker strapped to my back. Oh no, this is Accelerated Free Fall(scroll down). After about a 1 minute free-fall, I'll be pulling my own rip cord and maneuvering myself to what I hope will be a smooth touchdown on terra firma and a girlfriend who doesn't feel let down. My good buddy Jae and I will be taking the 6 hour course together before we jump out of the same plane.

Bless my girlfriend and her sadistic little heart for the generous gift. If the chute opens, it was a gift for me. If the chute doesn't open, it was a gift for her. 50-50 chance. The fun thing is that I won't know until I pull the cord. I'll either see an unfurled canopy or just a tattered banner that reads, "So-long, sucker!" Ah, the anticipation. Baby, if it isn't too late, I'm sorry for not getting you more than a card for your birthday and that I haven't asked forgiveness.

Just in case I'm reduced to 2 dimensions, allow me to say my goodbyes now. I'll leave my login and password for my blog in a place that will be found shortly after they throw a couple shovels of dirt over the dent I make in a Wisconsin field, so that someone can tell you not to expect any more postings. Funeral arrangements will also be listed in case you'd like to come and spit on what's left of me or cry your eyeballs out. Hot or cold, nothing in-between.

If I survive, I'll be sure to post some photos and a dramatic re-telling of what will turn out to be free fall from 15, 20, 30 or 40 thousand feet, ignoring that nearly everyone knows those jumps require special equipment and qualifications. Froggy, if you're listening, thanks for all the help with traffic, brother.

I've always wanted to skydive before I die. I just hope it's more than two minutes before.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Iraq has nothing to do with the war on terror?

Not if you you're on the left. But the comes this from MSMBC:
NEW YORK - Authorities stepped up security Thursday after receiving what city officials called a credible threat that the New York subway could be the target of a terrorist attack in coming days. But Homeland Security officials in Washington downplayed the threat, saying it was of “doubtful credibility.”

“We have never had before a specific threat to our subway system,” Bloomberg said, adding that he still felt secure enough to take the subway home Thursday night. “Its importance was enhanced above the normal level by the detail that was available to us from intelligence sources.”

A law enforcement official who spoke on condition of anonymity said the threat was “specific to place, time and method,” which was a bombing. The official said the information resulted from the arrest of al-Qaida operatives in Iraq.

Where does intelligence have to come from before it's deemed "credible?" Does it have to come from Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's ideologically inbred family? Does it have to be found written on official al-Qaida letterhead and include an to-do list? Anyone take a stab at what the terrorists will or won't look like?

The terrorists are smart enought to know bowing up a few things with simple explosives would get the Left will blaming Bush before the first ambulance arrives and using it as proof the Iraq war hasn't made us safer.

Happy Ramadan!

Ramadan is a special holiday for me. It reminds me of the world's problems and how Islam is at the center of all of them.

In observance, I'll be eating this for breakfast, this for lunch and making one of these for a sensible dinner.

In addition, I'll be urinating in the direction of Mecca 5 times a day, not beating a wife, not killing my sister and not executing teachers or blowing up kids.

So please, join me in celebration that only 1% of Muslims are radical. That means that we have a chance of being killed by 102 million different a$$holes.

Hooray for Ramadan!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The year's biggest story you haven't heard

A domestic suicide bomber who blew himself up outside a packed football stadium would be a national story, right. Apparently not.

Mark Tapscott wonders about the cover up.

Gateway Pundit finds the bomber recently tried to purchase ammonium nitrate.

And he also had the same exotic, volatile explosive carried by failed shoe bomber Richard Reid.

Compromise? Sure we've been compromised.

After some lively debate about the Miers appointment in the comments section yesterday and one directed to me from Jennifer Gallagher, I thought I'd respond in a post.

I think the thrust of Jennifer's argument was that because the President has been conservative on other issues, we may need to cut him some slack and "compromise" with a sloppy Supreme Court appointment because he asked us to trust him. He even said yesterday that Harriet Miers is a "strict constructionist" and that he "knows her heart."

Please pardon me while I extract my index finger from my esophagus and wipe the tear from my eye.

Just because George Bush is more conservative than he is liberal doesn't get him a super-special coupon that he can exchange for my unconditional platitudes. Asking conservatives to trust his definition of "strict constructionist" should be taken with a shot of Jack Daniels. While I may be wrong and Harriet Miers could turn out to be a dreamy pick, let's take a look at some of the things the President has done to galvanize conservative trust.

The immigration policy that isn't. How's that border fence coming along? 45k a day, oozing into the US with their OTM - other than Mexican - compadres. I think the idea of granting amnesty, even though he calls it the cute euphemism "Guest Worker Program", is stellar. Next, we can start handing out complimentary CD players to anyone caught breaking into cars. Then we can talk every highschooler into forfeiting their after-school job because we have "legitimate" workers to relieve them of their extra college savings.

And that fiscal restraint. Impressive. Sure, we're fighting an expensive, necessary war, but the President has signed every single spending bill that's hit his desk. Note to Karl: remind the president he has the power to veto.

Only strippers named Katrina have had more money spent on them. There's nothing like giving unaccountable billions to a state that couldn't manage a hot-dog stand. There's a big sucking sound coming from Louisiana and it isn't diesel-powered. Giving a $2,000 credit card to a few thousand people who's city had every single resource at their immediate disposal to get them out? Only Liberal guilt can think up something that brilliant.

Programs, get your programs! Free drugs for seniors! $1.2 Trillion Medicare prescription drug benefits got us one step closer to HillaryCare without the unsightly discomfort of Hillary. Even Viagra is included, so everyone can get stiffed. The essence of equality.

We're spending millions investigating the training habits of millionaires and adding today's bureaucracies that will fuel tomorrow's bungles faster than you can say Rafael Palmiero. Steroids for baseball players = bad. Steroids for the federal government = good. I guess sitting on your ass is better than taking shots in the ass.

President Bush was able to get Ted Kennedy sober enough to pass No Child Left Behind. How's that working so far? The fed spends 5 grand per student per year in an effort to meet minimum testing standards. Hooked on Phonics can do more for kids in an afternoon than the Department of Education can do in 15 years. If you want to help a kid's academic success, how far would that $5,000 go at a private school?

Is "constructionist" to President Bush what "is" was to Bill Clinton? Exactly how do civil unions abide by the constructs of the Constitution? If we're going to change the Constitution for anyone who wants special treatment, I can put together a group of people who'd love a complimentary chopper this spring. Although we'd have a tough time making pretty floats and witty signs, we aren't any less committed. And you wouldn't even have to watch us kiss.

While soaking me of 30+ percent of my paycheck for all this, President Bush asks me to drive less and conserve more? Here's a kite, go find a breeze.

I don't support President Bush because of his policies, I support President Bush in spite of most of them.

More from the people in no particular order:

Captain's Quarters

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Breaking re-enlistment records.

I posted here on what the liberal canard, "We support the troops, we want to bring them home" would mean if applied to other professions.

What does it say about the left's agument when soldiers in Iraq would rather agree to keep getting shot at in record numbers, instead of hopping a plane bound for home? Thanks Blackfive.
The 116th BCT set out to beat that record [re-enlistment] with a goal of 500, and did on 14 September 2005, with BG Alan Gayheart, Commander of the 116th BCT, ceremonially swearing in SGT Seckel in front of a representative formation of other soldiers re-affirming their commitment to continue to stand ready to protect freedom.

You will notice the photo is labeled "500th Re-Enlistment". As of right now, the 116th BCT has had 733 soldiers sign new 3 or 6 year contracts.

I venture to say that this is a huge testament to the will of the army. Not the Army, the organization, but the army, the men and women who wear the uniform, no matter what branch. Knowing the adversity faced in combat, and the need for the constant defense of our nation, and having already experienced hardship, loss, and separation, a momentus number are willing to continue to be counted among the willing.

Monday, October 03, 2005

The sensation of being conservative.

While Hugh Hewitt urges us to be a Bobby McFerin song, I respectully disagree with he and his equally incomparable guest, Dr. James Dobson on President Bush's nomination of Harriet Miers for the Supreme Court.

"Wait and see" is what you do when you aren't the party in power. "Wait and see" got us the ability to speak about Priscilla Owen and Miguel Estrada only in past tense. While I appreciate Mr. Hewitt and Dr. Dobson's measured approach to the new nominee, here's the senstation of being a conservative today:
When you get home from work, mow your neighbor's lawn. Afterall, he said he needed the help and you're able-bodied. While you find it a little strange that he casually watches you toil while he drinks a cold lemonade in the shade of a lawn chair in his garage, temporarily suppress your anger by recalling the 'thank you' card he graciously sent the last time you mowed for him.

When you're thoroughly satuarated in your own saline fluid and he asks if you wouldn't mind trimming the shrubs and edging around the landscaping that you strained your back out 5 years ago helping him arrange, do it. You can give him a sideways look, but trim and edge anyway because he'll promise that someday, he'll buy you a case of beer.

Now that you've again helped your neighbor manicure the neighborhood's most envied lawn, stow your mower and trimmer next to the extra junk he stores in your garage. Sure that your Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes award awaits, stroll to your mailbox to find a hand-written letter from your neighbor, garnished with an army of bills. To your surprise your neighbor is taking donations to install a supercharger on his BMW. "What!" you wonder, "the pantywaist doesn't even use all the power the car has now! What in the world is he going to do with a supercharger?!"

As all your blood begins to pool in the finite space above your chin, recall how he's been dodging your calls, letters and e-mails questioning the seriousness of his past commitments to reimburse you. At this point, it's OK to wonder why you've helped this neighbor for so long when he's promised so many tits for all your tats, especially when you defend his antics to the neighbors who are less fond of him.

Now, ask your neighbor to lay down his beer, get out of his chair and grab the hockey stick he borrowed from you last winter. While you stand at the curb with your blistered hands around your swollen ankles, ask him to get a running start from the top of his driveway and yell "Trust me!" while he beats you repeatedly about the backside.

After regaining consciousness, crawl back to your house, dodging the landmines his dog frequently deposits on your lawn and soothe yourself in the hottub he didn't clean the beer cans out of the last time he snuck into your backyard.

Now, double that and now you know the sensation of being conservative today.

Froggy heard the same interview and isn't impressed with her baked goods or caffeinated credentials.

Ever feel like you're being watched?

Liberals can usually be indentified by their chronic paranoia and constant misplaced uneasiness. This morning, I feared I had been unwillingly drafted by the other side, principally because of my own casual relationship with mental stability, when I felt this strong peering presence outside my office window. I thought this might be normal, until I rembered that I take the elevator to the top floor.

Just when I was sure that President Bush had sent a minder to scare me from posting my electrical synapses on his latest Supreme Court pick, I turned to see...

...a man washing my windows.

Now I have a better view of this:

Keeping up appearances.

In case you woke up today thinking that newspapers always do their objective best and only accidentally careen dangerously left, see these doctored photos of a San Fran "peace" protest.

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