Wednesday, March 09, 2005

The volcano god is angry?

Normally, a Mount St. Helens eruption wouldn't justify a comment, but with any natural phenomena, there are generally some strange people looking for a cause. In this case, I've found a group of Kucinich/Kerry voters who are looking for virgins to sacrifice to the "Great Firey One."

A report from
Since late 2004, Mt. St. Helens has been rumbling, and sometimes spewing small amounts of ash. A new lava dome is rising higher and higher. Many have offered scientific explanations for this, but I met a group in Washington putting forth a metaphysical one. "The Volcano God is angry and must be appeased, or an eruption of apocalyptic proportions will ensue! The only sacrifices that will be acceptable are virgins." These are the words of a man calling himself Rama Ho Lama, the leader of the Washington State volcano cult called Children of the Great Firey One. The good news is that any virgin is acceptable. They don't have to be pretty young girls.

"In Prayer" said Ho Lama, "Volcano God told us that any death of humans that have not reproduced will please him. We plan to infiltrate GENCON and Renaissance Festivals. They are full of dorks who live in their mothers' basements, and have never even kissed a girl. While they probably would never reproduce anyway, we are pleased to learn that they are acceptable to Him. He prefers pretty young girls, but one of them may be substituted by ten unattractive men. Their destruction amuses The Great Firey One.

I asked him why he wasn't considering Star Trek conventions as a source of virgins. Rama Ho Lama said "Now let's be serious. Nobody cares about that Star Dreck crap any more! Have you ever seen Voyager or Enterprise? Even the sorriest mama's boys have better things to do. We haven't totally given up on Sci-Fi though. The new Battlestar Galactica may yet be a source of sacrificial lambs. We will watch fans of that franchise for prospects."
Although their "experience" may not be in doubt, is slamming D & D video gamers and Renassaince Festival employees the best way to convince them they need to be fed to a volcano? They may be virgins, but they aren't dumb.

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