Thursday, December 23, 2004

A six year-old gets it.

OK, class, finish coloring your snowpeople and listen carefully. Mary had very good question about why we're seeing and hearing less Christmas around us. If anything I say needs clarification, I'll take questions at the end. Mikey? Oh yes, clarification does mean 'to make more clear.' Very good.

Here's what we know about the United States. 1) 82% of Americans consider themselves Christian. 2) Over 95% of Americans celebrate Christmas. This discrepancy makes clear that you're free to celebrate the birth of Jesus as a matter of convenience when it involves presents. 3) Christmas is a federal holiday. 4) The U.S. was founded on Christian principles.

The reason you're seeing less Chrismas trees and manger scenes, hearing fewer Christmas carols and had your Christmas program re-named "Winter Gobbledygoo" is because there are mean people called Liberals who want to steal Christmas, kill Santa, unemploy his elves and set his reindeer free. Liberals believe we have to "exclude" nearly an entire population that celebrates Christmas in order to "include" a few who've decided not to celebrate hundreds of years of American cultural tradition.

You see, Mary, when your "Muslim History" teacher punishes you with detention for quietly singing "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" it's because there may be 3 or 4 kids somewhere in your school who don't believe that you should give gifts to people you love in the spirit of Jesus' giving. Yes, Mary, I know that Christmas trees and manger scenes can't hurt people's feelings, but Liberals think they do. That's right, Christmas carols are fun to sing and do make people happy. It's very nice of you to offer to teach them the words, but they still may never sing along.

You see, liberalism means that in order to make a tiny-tiny minority equal, you have to treat the overwhelming majority unequally. Yes, I know you're only 6, Mary. You're right, it doesn't make sense. Liberal ideas never do.

Correct, you and 30 of your friends should still play soccer on "Soccer Day" even if 2 of your classmates don't agree with the event. That's right, the best idea isn't to change the name to "Kick the Round Ball at a Goal and Don't Keep Score Day," the best idea is for them to find something else to play or not play at all. You can ask them to join you, because that's the spirit of the game, but kindly understand if they'd rather sit and pout.

You have two assignments, class. First, wish a sincere Merry Christmas to as many people as you can between now and Sunday. Don't expect them to wish it back, as they may be one of the 13-17 people in your city who don't celebrate. If someone tells you they don't believe in Christmas, ask if they're Jewish. If they say 'yes,' wish them a belated Happy Hanukkah and give them a warm smile. If they say 'no,' wish them a "Merry not-Christmas." This way, you'll be politely reminding them that you're unwilling to obscure the importance of the season with a vanilla "Happy Holidays" when our Founding Father's belief in Jesus is the reason you can sing "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" without having your tongue cut off. Sorry, Mary, I know that's gross, but it used to happen in bad parts of the world until we went there and put a stop to it.

Second, pray for all our soldiers and their families a few times per day. Without them, we wouldn't have Christmas carols, nativity scenes or the right of the mean people to take them down. Yes, Mary, freedom means people can use it to say naughty things about the people that provide it.

Some people will be mean to you for nicely wishing them a "Merry Christmas." That's OK. Someday liberals will make it illegal to be mean so that the happy majority of the country will have to lower their happiness in order to "include" all the unhappy people. That way, we'll all be guaranteed to go through life without ever having hurt feelings. Yes, Mary, I know that's impossible. Yes, I know you're only 6.

Any questions? None? You're right, Mary, that was pretty simple.

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