Saturday, November 20, 2004

Millionaire thugs.

Still frustrated by the emergence at the 2004 Olympics of Argentina as the world's basketball superpower, some over-paid, over-pampered and under-developed members of the NBA took a curious new direction to address plummeting attendance and TV viewers. In what can only be seen as an unconventional marketing strategy, the league is determined to make an assault on winning more hearts and minds by getting fans more involved in the action. Fans are encouraged to make their way to the court for a complimentary sucker-punch from a one of the visiting team's over-paid whinos. Fans still in their seats will be dragged into the action as millionaire thugs charge the seats and indiscriminately disseminate their knuckled philanthropy on unsuspecting fans.

Amid growing despair over the world's perception of the NBA, the league's marketing firm has moved forward with a recommendation to change the words on which the NBA's initials are based. Having conducted numerous international focus groups, not only does the world indeed hate us, but we underestimated the embarassment of the Dream Team's '04 Olympics. The world now questions the caliber of the NBA and wonders "how many millionaires does it take to defeat Argentina. In order to regain favor in the world and operate a basketball league with a more acute acronym, the proposed change would make the NBA the league that Never Beat Argentina.

The principal reason for this salute to Argentina was the realization that the combined annual salary of all the NBA players is 3 times larger than the Gross Domestic Product of Argentina. This name change is favored also as a reminder that the NBA finals may not in fact be the "world championship" once thought.

This just in: 4 Never Beat Argentina players will be suspended for what I've coined the "Motor City Massacre." The 4 players said in a joint statement: "Don't cry for me, Argentina."

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