Thursday, October 14, 2004

The left's spin is helping me believe in Kerry.

You know, I've just realized that because of his superior debating delivery, I'd prefer John Kerry as president. Never mind that he can straddle any issue and usually does in the space of two sentences. Never mind his record. 20 years of doing nothing in the Senate just means that he's due!

Forget that in a 90 minute debate, any listener can find something they support in Kerry - if they happened to have their head in the fridge 17 seconds ago.

The But of John Kerry

"I won't give any country a veto over pre-emptive action, but...
"I believe life begins at conception, but...
"I've always said Saddam was a threat, but...

His but disqualifies the first part of the sentence.

I'm happy the left has helped me determine that debating skills supersede any other known quality for president. Never mind that a Viagra drip couldn't make Kerry any more stiff. He just sounds good! What did he say? Heck, couldn't tell you. Just some gobbly-goo about Bush-bad, Kerry-good. Big deal that Bush liberated 20 or 30 million people. John Kerry would sound good arguing that we shouldn't have!

I believe freakishly great debating skills are now the most important feature in a president. There's nothing that scares terrorists more than a man who has a threatening grip on the english language. Enemies of the US would pucker at the idea of being assaulted by a debate at a Kerry 'summit.'

Although he's got the facts wrong, Kerry will sure have 'em memorized. He'll be dropping mad statistics like B-1's drop MOABs. 'Fake but accurate' will be the order of the day, and the way he wields the words will etch fear in the spot where the terrorist's heart should be. The sheer linguistic aptitude of this mass debater would confuse and disorient said bad guy to the point that vertigo overcomes him and he submits with a cry of "allah! save me from this lyrical genius!"

Suddenly, the verbal whipping stops. A Kerry cohort would ask, "sir, why didn't you finish him off?" Kerry, "I would have, but..."







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